Classic Frat Bros

Super Bowl Preview!

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 10:00:10 -0500

Hey everyone. Time for my daily, aka, weekly, aka quarterly post! And it just so happens to come right before the Super Bowl. Imagine that. Everyone wants to know, “CFB, who do you think will win the Super Bowl this year?”

Answer? The bettors. As long as you take the points. Long story short, 49ers -3.5, -4, 4.5, whatever, it doesn’t matter. The RAVENS will cover, if not win outright. Let’s break it down.

QB: Both quarterbacks are GDIs. Kaepernick has tats all over the place. Flacco has a unibrow. If someone had inside info saying Kaepernick had “Kaepersnake” tatted on his dick, then I’d give him the edge. As such, I like the fact that Flacco said a Super Bowl in New York during the winter is “retarded”. Intangibles.

Advantage: Ravens.

RB: Ray Rice is so extremely overrated. He is a midget. Frank Gore gets shit on for some reason, even though he’s likely a shoo-in for the hall of fame. Difference in this part of the game will come down to which secondary RB gets in for a score. I think the 49ers’ backup idiots are better.

Advantage: 49ers

WR: Michael Crabtree has come up big recently and Randy Moss has made it all about himself over the past few days, but give me Torrey Smith and Anquan Boldin every day of the week, and twice on Sunday.

Advantage: Ravens

TE: Vernon Davis will catch a TD but between the 20s he will be non-existent. Dennis Pitta doesn’t know his ass from his elbow, so yea. Also, some Sports Illustrated Guy picked Pitta to be the Super Bowl MVP, meaning he will be a non factor. DP is sweet though.

Advantage: 49ers

OLINE/DLINE/STS: 49ers are better in at least 2 of these categories.

Advantage: 49ers

Who Wins: 30-28 Baltimore Ravens win.

Look, the 49ers are the better team. But since when has the better team won in the Super Bowl? The Ravens are a team of Destiny, and, as my grandma has always said: “fuck what makes sense, let’s just bet the mortgage on that which amounts to a feeling.”

That said: Go Ravens!

Eat shit.

Hurricane Sandy!

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 06:14:14 -0400

It’s the end of the world as we know it! Trees flying through my windows. Cars piling up on the side of the road. No electricity. No running water. It is the apocalypse.

Oh wait! None of that is true. “Hurricane Sandy” was as overrated as actual females named Sandy.

Baffles the mind that these so-called Meteorologists get paid to do what they do. “Storm of the Century!” “Biggest disaster to hit the Mid-Atlantic since 1935!”

“Sandy is no longer a hurricane, and the center of the storm has moved north through central Pennsylvania. But Maryland residents will feel the impact of the powerful storm, which killed at least one man in the state and left more than 350,000 customers without power, for days to come.”

No fucking kidding! At least one man is dead!?!?! More people die from non-storm related things around here than from Hurricane Sandy. 350,000 people lost power?!?! Oh no! Hey I remember when it was 102 degrees 3 months ago and 800,000 people lost power in this area. Nice damage control, weathermen. “Hey, it was still pretty bad! One guy died. The poor people don’t have power! Hey, look at me, look at me… it’s the storm of the century, I promise!”

Fuck you, weather people. And fuck anybody who actually “stocked up” on supplies to prep for this. You deserve to go broke. Barack Obama isn’t responsible for morons being morons and spending 800 bucks on sandbags and Deer Park Water. I wish the Hurricane had killed more of you dickheads.

Do you know what’s better than Rocky IV? Nothing....

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 02:12:41 -0400

Do you know what’s better than Rocky IV? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Okay, maybe getting your ass eaten out by Kate Upton while you have off from school because of a Hurricane is better. But that’s it.

Oh No! It's gonna rain!

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 00:53:27 -0400

So I hired Lil Wayne’s Photographer to take a photo of me reacting to Hurricane Sandy. Listen. I’ve boarded this boat before. It was called “Hurricane” Irene, which was nothing more than an extended rain shower with dark skies. Hurricane Sandy can suck my dick. All this stupid storm will do is get the homeless bums out of my way when I walk to get more booze tomorrow.

Question you’re asking: “What does this have to do with Frat Bros in composites?” My answer: “I don’t know.”

Your follow up question might be, “Why did it take you 5 months to post something that has nothing to do with this tumblr?” My answer to that is, “No idea. But before I die in the great drizzle of 2012, I wanted to make a post so you dildos can remember me. It’s legit the thing that dreams are made of. Live hard, die young. And James Joyce sucks.”

Shorter Answer: “Suck a dick.”

God I’m good at this. Broah’s Ark for the win!

Luke Bryan Pledged a Frat (What a Shock)

Thu, 31 May 2012 21:56:41 -0400

Look, we all know chicks love Luke Bryan. I had honestly never seen a photo of him until tonight. Then I said to myself “well why do chicks love this guy? He’s pretty mediocre looking.” At first, I said “well it’s because he’s rich and because they like his singing. But you know what? Seal is rich and makes some good music too, and you don’t see girls creaming their panties over that ugly fuck. Then I found this photo, and the answer was clear. Dude is a frat bro. Mystery solved.

PS- Still ugly.

AHOY PALOY!

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 10:00:05 -0500

This dude claims this is for his composite, which I’m skeptical about, because in the many fortnights I’ve graced this planet, never have I seen a chintzier looking composite photo layout.

That said, this dude is such a stud. I’d definitely let my daughter date this bro. You may see an old-man polyester jacket and disgusting childtoucher mustachio/mustard yellow t-neck combo, but I see a regal gent worthy of my imaginary daughter’s hand in marriage. My only suggestion would be to die his hair and facial hair darker and go for more of a Tom Selleck look. Blonde dudes with pubestaches usually don’t get ahead in this cruel world.

Star Trek Bros

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 18:31:50 -0500

Look at these fucking lady killers, eh?

Ah another week of successful posts here at CFB comes to a...

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 14:05:56 -0500

Ah another week of successful posts here at CFB comes to a close. People ask me all the time how I manage to post on here one time every three months. And I can never answer that properly. But, you know, it’s a hard job putting up one haphazard post 4 times a year, but someone’s gotta do it. Where’s my fucking Pulitzer?

But, in honor of the BCS Championship Game, I’m reposting this from like October 2008. And if you’re going to cry about “oh CFB wah wah you never post new content”, it’s because I guess my Chapter was the only funny one in America. Either that, or you are all lazier than the lazy idiot who runs this blog and never posts. Hypocrites.

Have a great weekend and I hope I win more money betting on Tim Tebow than you make in the next month at work.

One of these is not like the others......

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 11:10:05 -0500

Do you think these dorky gents sat there at the bid meeting saying “Say fellas, think he might be related to Cassius Clay?”

Man things were different in 1964, eh? I bet these dudes would have put him on a separate wing attachment if they could.

(In case you didn’t figure it out yet, I’m talking about the definition of the token black bro top center)

It made me laugh.

Broth-- Holy Shit Look at this Dude's Mustache!

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:16:05 -0500

To all you dudes trying to make it through Movember/No Shave November, I’m sorry about this post. Sorry that it has emasculated you and given you the ole Double Middle Finger Salute. James L Walker just showed up, twirled his menagerie, dropped the mic, and walked off the stage.

“Yours sincerely”— you can’t teach smarmy dissing like that, folks.

Brother Hugo Weaving

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 16:46:02 -0400

That’s right, I see you Agent Smith.

Bro Ballantine

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 15:15:32 -0400

I don’t even have to wonder if this guy was a fratty dude, because if you have the balls to change your name to “Bro”, you know you can back it up.

PS-Who the fuck does this guy look like? I cannot put my finger on it.

What'd I miss?

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 11:18:01 -0400

Good to see the photographer got Jaromir Jagr to smile for once…

Bobby Dubz

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 15:09:35 -0400

The comment on the site I found this from says it all:

“He… pledged TKE in the Fall of 1986 in the W.A.S.P.S. Pledge class. WASPS stood for: Wild Aggressive Savage Perverted Studs.”

That’s yardcore.

Pork Sword

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 10:00:06 -0400

True story, that’s not even Mr. Sword’s nickname. His parents just have a great sense of humor.

Redux: You get it? It’s a name for a penis. Get it?

Larry David (Creator of Seinfeld and Funniest Dude on Earth) Pledged

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 14:00:06 -0400

Took this from Barstoolu, so we’ll get that out of the way. This might not even be his composite photo, but my guess is that it is. As the U pointed out, wow, what happened to this guy? My best guess is that he was balding by his Soph year of College and rocked a toupee… look at that mop… it makes sense. I don’t know how toupees work, but I’m guessing that girls never guessed that he was a bald bro and never tried yanking that rug off his head. Assuming that, I bet he was tossing his meat wrench into every chick walking. Let this be a lesson to you females out there, marry a Jewish American for the prospect of him ending up rich, not for the prospect of him ending up being handsome in old age. (And don’t bet on them being funny like Larry David, it’s my opinion that old Jewish guys aren’t really that funny).

Mr. David was a Tau Epsilon Phi at University of Maryland, and furthermore, he used his Fraternity Bros as inspiration for a bunch of his characters on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Stephen Seagel Redux

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 11:00:06 -0400

You mighta missed it, so here’s Brother Stephen Seagel, who now teaches MMA fighters how to kick the shit out of other MMA fighters. Original Post follows:

A) That’s not jizz on his head, it’s just a crappy picture. b) Steven Seagal doesn’t fucking appreciate your insinuations. C) He just snapped some dude’s neck.

Polyestars

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 16:16:17 -0400

A slice of 70s class and nostalgia for your Saturday. I think I wore some of these future Goodwill purchases to my fraternity’s theme parties.

A-Bro-Ham Lincoln

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 10:00:07 -0400

This was on Buzzfeed and it tickled me, so the question is, who wins? A-Bro-Ham or Cool Story, Bro?

For what, it’s worth, my vote is for the latter, even if he’s going way overboard with the popped collars. If Abe had chosen Wayfarers, it might have been a different story.

CFB Celeb Marc Ecko

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 14:43:00 -0400

Been a few days since CFB had a new pos- wait what? Weeks you say? Tomatoes tomahtoes. Deal with it.

Anyways here’s Marc Milecofsky, aka Marc Ecko, aka founder of Ecko Unlimited which, if you ask me, is not fratty at all. Furthermore, another Co-Ed Fraternity? Ugh, go away. You’d think a dude who’d eventually go on to become a multi-millionaire fashion mogul would hang out with better looking broads and better dressing dudes than “Brother” Tom Siderits above him. Late bloomer.

Love, the wannabe GDI version of Total Frat Move

Yes, some broad said that to me on twitter. Very observant of her.