Hey everyone. Time for my daily, aka, weekly, aka quarterly post! And it just so happens to come right before the Super Bowl. Imagine that. Everyone wants to know, “CFB, who do you think will win the Super Bowl this year?”
Answer? The bettors. As long as you take the points. Long story short, 49ers -3.5, -4, 4.5, whatever, it doesn’t matter. The RAVENS will cover, if not win outright. Let’s break it down.
QB: Both quarterbacks are GDIs. Kaepernick has tats all over the place. Flacco has a unibrow. If someone had inside info saying Kaepernick had “Kaepersnake” tatted on his dick, then I’d give him the edge. As such, I like the fact that Flacco said a Super Bowl in New York during the winter is “retarded”. Intangibles.
RB: Ray Rice is so extremely overrated. He is a midget. Frank Gore gets shit on for some reason, even though he’s likely a shoo-in for the hall of fame. Difference in this part of the game will come down to which secondary RB gets in for a score. I think the 49ers’ backup idiots are better.
WR: Michael Crabtree has come up big recently and Randy Moss has made it all about himself over the past few days, but give me Torrey Smith and Anquan Boldin every day of the week, and twice on Sunday.
TE: Vernon Davis will catch a TD but between the 20s he will be non-existent. Dennis Pitta doesn’t know his ass from his elbow, so yea. Also, some Sports Illustrated Guy picked Pitta to be the Super Bowl MVP, meaning he will be a non factor. DP is sweet though.
OLINE/DLINE/STS: 49ers are better in at least 2 of these categories.
Who Wins: 30-28 Baltimore Ravens win.
Look, the 49ers are the better team. But since when has the better team won in the Super Bowl? The Ravens are a team of Destiny, and, as my grandma has always said: “fuck what makes sense, let’s just bet the mortgage on that which amounts to a feeling.”
That said: Go Ravens!
It’s the end of the world as we know it! Trees flying through my windows. Cars piling up on the side of the road. No electricity. No running water. It is the apocalypse.
Oh wait! None of that is true. “Hurricane Sandy” was as overrated as actual females named Sandy.
Baffles the mind that these so-called Meteorologists get paid to do what they do. “Storm of the Century!” “Biggest disaster to hit the Mid-Atlantic since 1935!”
“Sandy is no longer a hurricane, and the center of the storm has moved north through central Pennsylvania. But Maryland residents will feel the impact of the powerful storm, which killed at least one man in the state and left more than 350,000 customers without power, for days to come.”
No fucking kidding! At least one man is dead!?!?! More people die from non-storm related things around here than from Hurricane Sandy. 350,000 people lost power?!?! Oh no! Hey I remember when it was 102 degrees 3 months ago and 800,000 people lost power in this area. Nice damage control, weathermen. “Hey, it was still pretty bad! One guy died. The poor people don’t have power! Hey, look at me, look at me… it’s the storm of the century, I promise!”
Fuck you, weather people. And fuck anybody who actually “stocked up” on supplies to prep for this. You deserve to go broke. Barack Obama isn’t responsible for morons being morons and spending 800 bucks on sandbags and Deer Park Water. I wish the Hurricane had killed more of you dickheads.
Do you know what’s better than Rocky IV? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Okay, maybe getting your ass eaten out by Kate Upton while you have off from school because of a Hurricane is better. But that’s it.
So I hired Lil Wayne’s Photographer to take a photo of me reacting to Hurricane Sandy. Listen. I’ve boarded this boat before. It was called “Hurricane” Irene, which was nothing more than an extended rain shower with dark skies. Hurricane Sandy can suck my dick. All this stupid storm will do is get the homeless bums out of my way when I walk to get more booze tomorrow.
Question you’re asking: “What does this have to do with Frat Bros in composites?” My answer: “I don’t know.”
Your follow up question might be, “Why did it take you 5 months to post something that has nothing to do with this tumblr?” My answer to that is, “No idea. But before I die in the great drizzle of 2012, I wanted to make a post so you dildos can remember me. It’s legit the thing that dreams are made of. Live hard, die young. And James Joyce sucks.”
Shorter Answer: “Suck a dick.”
God I’m good at this. Broah’s Ark for the win!
Look, we all know chicks love Luke Bryan. I had honestly never seen a photo of him until tonight. Then I said to myself “well why do chicks love this guy? He’s pretty mediocre looking.” At first, I said “well it’s because he’s rich and because they like his singing. But you know what? Seal is rich and makes some good music too, and you don’t see girls creaming their panties over that ugly fuck. Then I found this photo, and the answer was clear. Dude is a frat bro. Mystery solved.
PS- Still ugly.
This dude claims this is for his composite, which I’m skeptical about, because in the many fortnights I’ve graced this planet, never have I seen a chintzier looking composite photo layout.
That said, this dude is such a stud. I’d definitely let my daughter date this bro. You may see an old-man polyester jacket and disgusting childtoucher mustachio/mustard yellow t-neck combo, but I see a regal gent worthy of my imaginary daughter’s hand in marriage. My only suggestion would be to die his hair and facial hair darker and go for more of a Tom Selleck look. Blonde dudes with pubestaches usually don’t get ahead in this cruel world.
Look at these fucking lady killers, eh?
Do you think these dorky gents sat there at the bid meeting saying “Say fellas, think he might be related to Cassius Clay?”
Man things were different in 1964, eh? I bet these dudes would have put him on a separate wing attachment if they could.
(In case you didn’t figure it out yet, I’m talking about the definition of the token black bro top center)
It made me laugh.
To all you dudes trying to make it through Movember/No Shave November, I’m sorry about this post. Sorry that it has emasculated you and given you the ole Double Middle Finger Salute. James L Walker just showed up, twirled his menagerie, dropped the mic, and walked off the stage.
“Yours sincerely”— you can’t teach smarmy dissing like that, folks.